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The other day I saw this…

Black - Two Sided Official SECURITY Raid T-shirt

well, not exactly the gay porn star, but an actual man standing around in one of those “SECURITY” t-shirts, securing shit… it got me thinking. Those shirts really are a great little invention.

Their stark, simple design conveys the most important information at the slightest glance in even the most catastrophic situation. All you need to know is right there, litterally in black and white and at all times: the person in that shirt will take care of it – no matter what it is – when it starts to go down. It’s genius in its simplicity… and I think that I can cash in on it with my new shirt.

InsecurityTshirt

Again, it lets you know the most important piece of information that I have and it does it as simply and straight forward as is humanly possible at the slightest glance! If something happens, I can do nothing for you.

Even if I could, I would probably doubt how well it was going and if you were really even better off for me having gotten involved. Whatever happens, I will second guess it into oblivion or a state of complete uselessness, thus leading back to the oblivion thing.

I’m thinking about selling these… let me know if you want one. Assuming that you even think its a good idea, and I don’t know if any part of me really believes that you do.

Tags: , - 08/23/10 - 0 comments

 

I guess all the heat around Twilight and True Blood has inspired Dr. Laura to update her headshot.

DrLaura

Also, if you haven’t taken the time to listen to her “rant” you really should. Even Kramer was shocked. It’s like a time machine back to yesteryear. You know – a place where a child could still look forward to a game of catch with his old man after he got home from a long day of honest work… where a woman knew her place was in the home… when there wasn’t a problem that couldn’t be solved with some lighter-fluid, hard work and a giant cross.

Long before she gets to the A Material (really, the N Material) you can tell that she has complete disdain for an entire group of people. But, that’s really what you have here: an old person who doesn’t even understand that they’re being racist any more than an adorable bear understands that he’s furry. It’s just all that they’ve known in their savage little lives.

If anything is to be learned from this, I think it’s that we need to realize old people should be forced out of broadcasting. I’m not sure when the manditory retiremnt age should be – thats for the government to decide – I just know it should be at least one day before they point out how shifty the (insert preferred slur) are.

Fuck taking their driver’s licenses - talking is where they are really a problem! It’s when their old-person thoughts slip out of their shaky mouths without setting off any alarms in their decaying brains that we have trouble.

I’ve never had an old guy drive by me in a way that told me that he still didn’t fully trust the Japs.

Or, maybe it IS finally time to just realize old people should be forced out. Period.

My grandparents are already dead. What do I give a fuck?

- 08/20/10 - 0 comments

 

Influential punk band the Sex Pistols have released an official perfume. As awful as it sounds, it’s expected to sell better than the new GG Allin perfume.

GG Allin Perfume

Tags: , - 08/16/10 - 0 comments

 

I saw this billboard for the New York Times while walking through the theatre district last night…

NYTimes Billboard

I understand that you could cover theatre with plagiarism, distorted facts and outright liberal propaganda… I’m just not sure why you’d think that will sell more papers.

Tags: , , - 07/22/10 - 0 comments

 

So, I am trying to do some computer dating. It’s not because I can’t meet anyone in real life on the vampire’s schedule I’m presently on – I’m just doing it because I really want to fuck a computer, and its my understanding that you need to date it first.

Either way, a lot of these sites post helpful hints about how to be a better dater. Here is a list that a woman sees to help her better attract a man:

Men’s Top Ten Date Picks

1. Taking a romantic walk
2. Restaurant
3. Park
4. Cook dinner at home
5. Coffee shop
6. Scenic car ride
7. Stay in and rent a movie
8. Bowling or Playing Pool
9. Live music
10. Comedy Club

Now, in the interest of actually helping women out, I will break down that cockamamy horseshit list

1. “Taking a romantic walk” is code for a secluded place to attack you. Be wary of  this one.

2. “Restaurant” is where a lady suggests to combat #1, and frankly, I don’t blame you.

3. Sadly, “Park” is just where we say to act like we’re not doing #1 because a park implies ”hey – there’s gonna be other people around… how much can I really do to you in public?”

4. “Cook dinner at home” is a ladies way of saying “if youre gonna attack me, please let it at least be somewhere I am familiar with the shower controls.”

5. “Coffee shop” would be the ideal date location if you were looking to date someone from Friends. If not, its just your way of saying “I don’t feel like picking a place.”

6. “Scenic car ride” is the perfect thing if you want to impress a dog instead of having to trick him into licking your- well, let me phrase it this way; this is good if you are lonely and out of peanut butter. (Sure, if you’re willing to drive anywhere you could be willing to drive to the store and get more peanut butter, but ladies need just enough to believe the fantasy. It’s the basis for the entire romance novel industry. With the drive, you can kinda pretend that the dog is a consenting partner and not a bid dumb animal that doesn’t realize the word “no” exists.)

7. “Stay in and rent a movie” is not code for an attack. (It probably is, but I know that Ive brought that up too much in this public forum, so Im gonna move on.) “Rent a movie” is more likely a way to  say “I’m too cheap to afford to date you.” If you accept this up front, realize what you  are agreeing to for the life of the relationship.

8. “Bowling” is actually fun. “Pool” is too much math for me.

9. “Live music” is great if you have a pretty girl with nothing to say (but it needs to be both.) If you’re a girl who’s been taken to some live music on a date, try to look at this as a compliment… if a girl is interesting, a guy will wanna go somewhere you can get to know her. If she’s not hot, though, you’re not gonna take her anywhere there may be hot girls who are already all sexed-up. Sorry. Ain’t happening.

10. Going to a Comedy Club on  a date is a bit risky… trust me.Granted, if you’re into some sort of S&M style emotional humiliation, it may be perfect for you, but if you are then you probably aren’t looking for places to date people. I’m sure whatever dungeon you were able to join has provided you with everything you need to deal with your lack of self worth/desire to still have sex.

Check back for more Dating RAYvolations (as soon as I have some more.) In the mean time, leave some date locations in the comments if you have any.

Tags: , - 07/06/10 - 0 comments

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